16: Keep Company: Spiritual Direction
What if the thing you need most right now isn’t another answer—but a different kind of conversation?
If you’re walking through a season of transition, carrying questions you can’t quite name, or longing to become more attentive to God’s presence in your ordinary life, this episode is for you.
Today, I’m introducing you to one of the quietest and most transformative practices in the Christian tradition—a practice that changed my life and eventually became my vocation.
In this episode, we explore:
the unexpected gift I found in a quiet room seven years ago—and why it quietly changed the course of my life.
the three questions people ask me most often about spiritual direction—and the answers I wish someone had given me before I walked into my first session.
why it’s possible to know a great deal about God and still long for a different kind of conversation.
how to recognize whether spiritual direction might be a faithful next step for the season you’re in.
Your Companion Guide
If this episode stirred something in you, I’ve created a free Practical Guide to Spiritual Direction to accompany this conversation.
Inside you’ll find:
What spiritual direction is—and what it isn’t.
How to prepare for your first session.
How to get the most from your time with a spiritual director.
Reflection questions to help you begin paying attention before you ever meet with a spiritual director.
One-on-One Spiritual Direction
If you find yourself recognizing your own life somewhere in this conversation and you’re longing for a place where your questions are welcomed, your story is listened to with care, and together we pay attention to God’s quiet companionship in your life, I’d be honored to walk with you.
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I’m Denisa Nica, and welcome to Walking Anyway. You’re listening to episode 16.
This is a podcast about living faithfully in uncertain seasons when life feels unclear and nothing is quite settling yet.
If you’re not quite sure how to move through this in a way that feels steady and true, you’re in the right place to keep walking anyway. Each week I offer a reflection and a simple way to faithfully walk one more step.
I’m an author and spiritual director, and the founder of The Table— an online contemplative space shaped by a weekly rhythm, where women practice this kind of faithful living together, at their own pace, in the middle of their real lives and faith.
I live in Spain, where life moves a little slower, and that has changed the way I pay attention, and the way I live inside my own life.
Today I want to talk about spiritual direction, a practice that quietly changed my life and, over the years, became my vocation. Listen in.
Seven years ago, on the last day of January, I walked into the home of a woman I had never met. I wasn't looking for a spiritual director. I didn't even know what spiritual direction was.
The circumstances that brought me there weren't dramatic, I was just living in in a season of transition and vocational discernment.
Three months earlier I had started a pastoral apprenticeship at the church we were a part of. Up until then I'd been working as an interior designer, work that I genuinely loved. I loved the creativity, the flexibility, helping people create homes they couldn't wait to return to at the end of the day, and I loved bringing some beauty and order to the world.I wasn't leaving it because I had stopped loving that work. I was leaving because I couldn't ignore the sense that God was inviting me somewhere else.
Around the same time, our daughter was preparing for her final year before graduating from high school. We had also begun wondering whether our years in Canada might eventually come to an end.
Looking back now, I can see there were several transitions happening at once. Life wasn't falling apart, I wasn't in a crisis, doubting my fate or looking for answers.
Maybe you've had a season like that. Life is still your life, you still show up, drive to work, make chicken dinner, you still pray. And yet, somewhere in all of that, you have the quiet sense that something is changing. Not necessarily around you. Inside you. That was the season I was in.
Some questions I hadn't expected began to surface. What does it mean to leave work in which I invested so much time, effort and money? What does it mean to follow a calling before you understand what it's asking of you? And what happens when you're standing between two seasons and neither one feels fully like home?
I carried those questions quietly. Most people around me probably wouldn't have noticed anything different. But I noticed.
And what could see was that I was becoming more disoriented and a little more withdrawn, I started spending less time with friends and started feeling a little isolated. I felt less settled and simply didn't know how to pay attention to God inside everything that was changing.
At the same time, I found myself questioning my place in the Church. Was I becoming a pastor? Or wasn't I?
I was in a pastoral apprenticeship. I knew I felt deeply called toward shepherding people. But I was also a woman, and I wasn't entirely sure what that meant for this vocation.
I'd been to Christian counselling before, and I remain deeply grateful for it. Counselling has been an important part of my own life, and I still see a counsellor when that's what a season calls for. But this wasn't the kind of help I was looking for.
I didn't really have a presenting problem. I wasn't looking for solutions, or coping strategies, or accountability, or even advice. Or someone to tell me what decision to make.
What I longed for was companionship. I didn't have that word then.
I only knew I wanted a place where didn't have to arrive with answers. Somewhere I didn't have to explain myself before I was welcomed, and where my soul could tell the truth at its own pace.
A trusted friend and pastor I was working with at the time recommended a woman to me. He simply said, "She'll hold space for you.” When I emailed her, she used those exact same words.
At the time, I didn't know much about spiritual direction. In fact, I hadn't heard about it until well into my late thirties. I only knew I was longing for a kind of conversation I didn't yet have words for.
And maybe that's actually where I'd like to begin today.
Ruth Haley Barton writes, "There are a few places where the soul is truly safe, where the knowing, the questions, the longings of the soul are welcomed, received, and listened to rather than evaluated, judged, or beaten out of us."
I think these words describe something most of us long for, even if we wouldn't necessarily know how to put it into words. On that cold January day, I was longing for a place where my soul could slow down enough to hear itself again and where it could feel safe.
But before we talk about spiritual direction, I think it helps to look at something even more basic. The word ‘spiritual’.
I think this is one of those words that gets misused or misunderstood quite a bit. Or at least it can mean many different things to many different people, just like the word ‘Christian’, for example.
Author James Bryan Smith has a definition I've always appreciated because it's so simple. He says spirituality, at its most basic level, is simply lived life. In other words, we are all spiritual beings. Our spirit, together with our body, are the essence of our identity. And spiritual formation, is a process by which our spirit is formed.
Dallas Willard compares spiritual formation to education. Everyone gets an education. The question is, what kind? The same goes for spiritual formation. Every single human being who ever gets to live on this planet gets a spiritual formation. The question is, is our spirit being integrated in wholeness, or disintegrated, which we might call malformation?
Now, everywhere in my work and also here on the podcast, when I talk about spiritual formation, I am referring to Christian spiritual formation, which means I'm talking about the lifelong process by which the Holy Spirit forms us into the likeness of Jesus Christ.
The strange thing about spiritual formation is that it's happening whether we notice it or not. It doesn't begin the day we decide to take God seriously. It's already happening through the stuff of our every day lives.
Seven years ago in January, the uncertainty was shaping me, the waiting was shaping me, even the stories I was telling myself about what I thought I was losing were shaping me. Just as they are today, and just as your own ordinary life, right in this moment, is shaping you.
Over the centuries, Christians have discovered practices that help us become more attentive to that work. It’s what we've come to call spiritual practices or spiritual disciplines: prayer, Scripture, silence, fasting, sabbath, confession, and so on. None of those practices create God's presence - God was never absent.
They help us notice the One who has already been accompanying us. And one of those practices is spiritual direction.
I'd never heard of it. But in a few minutes, I was about to walk into it.
Once we were seated in a quiet room with two of the walls dressed in books, I remember feeling immediately at ease. I’ve always trusted rooms with books.
The first thing she did was light a candle. Then she said, "We'll begin with a few minutes of silence, and I'll close this silent time with a prayer."
She closed her eyes then I closed mine too. The silence felt long - long enough that I became very aware of myself.
I found myself fumbling in my seat. I wondered how long people usually sat like this. Surely it had already been a few minutes. It hadn't.
Eventually, she began to pray. I don't remember a single words prayed. What I remember is what happened inside me while she was quiet.
I was trying to do the silence well, to know when it was time to move on. No one had asked any of that of me, I had. I had come looking for freedom, and within moments I was performing again.
I've returned each month since. Seven years have passed since that first meeting and I've continued to meet with my spiritual director regularly.
The questions that first brought me into that quiet living room eventually led me into graduate work in Theological Christian Studies at Regent College in Vancouver and into a rigorous, multi-year training as a spiritual director. Looking back, I was simply following the thread God had been placing in my hands all along.
A lot of people have asked me about spiritual direction over the years. The questions usually fall into three categories.
The first is simply, What is spiritual direction?
The second is some version of, “How is it different from counselling, therapy, coaching, mentoring, discipleship, friendship, or Bible study?”
And the third is, “How do I find a spiritual director?”
Those are all good questions. We’re not going to answer them fully today. Entire books have been written on this and Christians have been engaging in spiritual direction since the earliest centuries of the Church, even though for many people it's still unfamiliar.
That was certainly true for me. I grew up in the Orthodox Church, spent my entire adult life in the Evangelical Church and didn't hear about spiritual direction until well into adulthood.
At its simplest, spiritual direction is prayerful companionship.
The spiritual director isn't there to direct another person's life. God is the director. The role of the spiritual director is to accompany another person through prayerful listening, helping them notice where God may already be present and at work in the life they're already living.
Margaret Guenther describes spiritual direction as "holy listening." After all these years, I still haven't found a better definition.
If you've read Kairos, listened to this podcast, spent time with me at The Table or following along on Substack, you've already encountered that posture. Long before I ever called myself a spiritual director, it had shaped the way I listened, the way I wrote, and the way I accompanied people. It's in my bones now, and I honestly don't know how to separate it from the rest of my work.
The second question people usually ask is how spiritual direction is different from counselling, therapy, coaching, mentoring, discipleship, friendship, or Bible study.
All of those relationships have something beautiful to offer and can become places of grace. All of them, in different ways, can become part of how God cares for us. I don't think they need to compete with one another.
I've been deeply helped by Christian counselling, and I continue to see a counsellor when that's what a season calls for. I would never want someone to hear this episode and think spiritual direction is somehow a replacement for therapy or counselling. It isn’t. The difference isn't so much that one is better than another. It's that they are listening for different things. A counsellor may help us understand our story, notice patterns, or find healthier ways of living. A coach may help us move toward a goal. A mentor shares wisdom from their own experience. A pastor teaches, encourages, and shepherds a community.
A spiritual director listens with a different question in mind” “Where is God in all of this?” Not because that's the only question that matters, or because every question needs a quick spiritual answer. Quite the opposite. Sometimes we sit with that question for a long time and we may not find an answer at all. What changes isn't the circumstance, but our awareness - that God has been quietly present all along.
That's why you'll often find silence in spiritual direction. Silence gives us enough room to notice what has been difficult to hear while life has been so loud.
Parker Palmer says that the soul is shy like a wild animal. If we want to see a wild animal, you don’t run through the woods shouting for it to come out. But if we're willing to walk quietly into the woods and sit patiently, the creature we're waiting for may eventually emerge.
I've often thought our souls are a little like that. Not because they're hiding from God, but because they rarely emerge where they don't feel safe.
I think that's one of the gifts of spiritual direction. It's a place where no one is trying to hurry your soul. Two people simply sit together, listening for the quiet companionship of God, trusting that whatever needs to emerge will do so in its own time.
The third question people usually ask is, “How do I find a spiritual director?
There are practical answers to that question, and I'll share a few in a moment. But before we talk about where to look, I think it's worth asking a different question: “Why are you looking?”
Not everyone needs a spiritual director in every season of life. Sometimes a trusted friend is exactly the gift God provides. Sometimes it's a pastor, a therapist, a mentor, or a wise member of your church community.
Spiritual direction isn't another item to add to the list of things a faithful Christian should be doing. It's simply one way of making room to pay attention to God's presence in your life.
And if, as you've been listening today, you've found yourself thinking, I didn't know conversations like this existed, or I think I've been longing for something like that, then perhaps it's worth paying attention to that longing.
Longing has a way of telling us something about where God might already be inviting us.
The third question people usually ask is, “How do I find a spiritual director?”
Before we talk about where to find one, I think it's worth asking what you're actually looking for.
More than anything else, I would look for someone whose presence helps you become more attentive to God rather than more dependent on them. Someone who has been formed in this kind of listening, and who is regularly receiving spiritual direction themselves. Someone who isn't afraid of silence, who doesn’t rush to answers, and who isn't trying to fix you. Like any helping relationship, not every spiritual director will be the right fit. It's perfectly appropriate to ask about a person's training, their theological tradition, how they understand spiritual direction, or simply to notice how you feel in their presence.
Do you find yourself performing? Or do you find yourself becoming a little more honest? Do you leave carrying someone else's answers? Or do you leave with a deeper awareness of God's quiet companionship in your own life?
Those aren't the only questions to ask, but I think they're good places to begin.
Now, practically speaking, I would start by asking someone you trust. A pastor, a retreat centre, or a trusted friend may know a spiritual director they would recommend. There are also wonderful organizations and formation programs that keep directories of trained spiritual directors and can help you begin your search.
Over the years, I've noticed that people come to spiritual direction for all kinds of reasons. Sometimes they're standing in the middle of a transition. Sometimes they're carrying questions they can't answer on their own. Sometimes they have a decision to make, a loss to grieve, or a longing they can't quite put into words. And sometimes, nothing is particularly wrong. They simply want to become more attentive to God's presence in the life they're already living.
As summer begins to give way to fall, I often notice people sensing that they're stepping into a new season. The routines begin again. Children leave for college or return to school. Work picks up. The days slowly change. And somewhere beneath all of those outward shifts is a quieter question: “God, how do I want to walk into this next season with you?”
Those are the kinds of conversations I now have the privilege of holding as a spiritual director. It's some of the quietest and most meaningful work I get to do.
If, as you've been listening today, you've found yourself recognizing your own life somewhere in these words, I want you to know that I do offer spiritual direction. We meet one-on-one in person or over Zoom, usually one a month, and make space to pay attention to God's companionship in the life you're already living.
If that sounds like a conversation you've been longing for, if you'd like to learn more about spiritual direction or explore whether it might be a good fit for this season of your life, you'll find more information in the show notes.
Whether that's with me or with someone else, my hope is that you'll find a place where your soul can be welcomed, received, and listened to.
May you have the courage to tell the truth about your life. May you find companions who aren't afraid of silence, who don't rush your questions, and who never mistake God's pace for slowness. May you become a little more attentive to the quiet ways God is already present in the life you're living.
May you discover that you don't have to have everything figured out before you begin paying attention.
And may you keep finding yourself surprised by the gentle companionship of God, who has been walking with you all along. Amen.
Thanks for listening to episode 16 of Walking Anyway.
I hope today’s reflection has helped you understand a little more about the gift of spiritual direction, and perhaps awakened a longing to become more attentive to God’s quiet companionship in the life you’re already living.
Whether that’s through a spiritual director or another faithful companion for the journey, my hope is that you’ll discover you don’t have to walk this road alone.
Because faithfulness isn’t always knowing where you’re going. Sometimes it’s simply learning to notice who is walking with you.
If you’d like to learn a little more about spiritual direction or you’re wondering whether it might be a good fit for this season of your life, I’ve put together a practical guide for you, to accompany this episode.
Inside, you’ll find answers to some of the questions we didn’t have time to cover today, along with suggestions for how to prepare for your first spiritual direction session, how to get the most out of your time together, and a few reflection questions to help you begin paying attention before you ever meet with a spiritual director. It’s my gift to you, and you’ll find it in the show notes.
And if what you’re longing for isn’t only a one-on-one conversation, but also a community that practices this same way of paying attention, I’d love to invite you to The Table.
The Table is a community of women from different countries and different seasons of life who gather each week to make room for honest conversations, quiet reflection, and paying attention to God’s presence in the ordinary moments of our lives.
After our August Communal Sabbath, we begin gathering again next week, and you’re welcome to join us with a complimentary Guest Seat. There’s no commitment—just an opportunity to experience the rhythm for yourself, meet the women around the table, and see whether it feels like a place where your soul can exhale.
You’ll find all the details in the show notes.
Because the way you’re walking through this, is already forming something steady in you.
If you’ve found yourself nodding along as you’ve listened today, you can follow the show wherever you listen to podcasts.
And if you’d be willing to leave a rating or review, it helps more people discover Walking Anyway and join us here each week.
If you know someone who’s been asking questions about spiritual direction, or who simply seems to be walking through a season where they could use this kind of companionship, would you consider sharing this episode with them?
As always, you can find me at denisaonica.com., on Substack at denisaonica.substack.com or on Instagram at denisa.o.nica. I’d love to see you there.
As you step back into your day, notice what stayed with you, and let that be enough for today. And just like light moving through a room— you don’t need to see everything at once to keep living faithfully here.
I'll leave you with these words from Parker Palmer from A Hidden Wholeness: "The soul is like a wild animal—tough, resilient, savvy, self-sufficient and yet exceedingly shy. If we want to see a wild animal, the last thing we should do is to go crashing through the woods, shouting for the creature to come out. But if we are willing to walk quietly into the woods and sit silently for an hour or two at the base of a tree, the creature we are waiting for may well emerge, and out of the corner of an eye we will catch a glimpse of the precious wildness we seek."
Thanks for listening, I'll be here with you next time.